By Tawnia Rutherford
I鈥檝e been a paramedic for 25 years, and over the course of my career, like many of you, I have seen and experienced many different things, some of which are life changing. There is one interaction I want to share with you that had a profound impact on both my career and my life.
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There was a patient 鈥� her first time in the back of the ambulance. Let鈥檚 call her Molly. Molly鈥檚 story, in retrospect, was a horrible sequence of events. It began with day drinking that rolled into the evening hours, 7 days a week. Drinking, which once was reserved for weekends, parties and nights at the bar with friends, had now become constant. It seemed that alcohol became her 鈥渕edicine,鈥� something she said she needed to make life easier and to numb the pain. As I think back on her story, it is truly heartbreaking.
That night, she had caught her boyfriend cheating. His explosive temper led to things being thrown and Molly being choked unconscious. She regained consciousness in the vehicle her boyfriend was driving, to continued arguing, screaming, pleading and frequent slaps to her face, backhands to her nose, and punches as hard as he could deliver while still maintaining control of the car.
Molly unbuckled her seatbelt, grabbed the door handle, opened the door, and jumped out of the car onto the road, eventually rolling into a ditch. Everything hurt, but she got to her feet and ran into a fancy country club, screaming, 鈥淗e is going to kill me! Please help me!鈥�
On the way to the hospital, she was classified as a trauma alert. Lying there on the stretcher, her eyes were swollen, her ears were ringing, her vital signs were through the roof and she was a bloody mess.
As I share this story with you, I recall how horrible that night truly was.
See, I was not the paramedic treating this patient. I was the bloody mess on the stretcher.
It was this part of my life 鈥� the part I鈥檓 sharing with you now 鈥� that led me into alcoholism and drug abuse.
That night was my rock bottom
That night forced me to face the reality of how far I had fallen; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Years of trauma had led me into a life of addiction and self-destruction. That relationship nearly cost me my life. But the story doesn鈥檛 end there.
While in the hospital, I dialed the only number I knew by heart: my mother鈥檚. Because my parents disapproved of my relationship choices, I had stayed away from them. However, when I saw my mother鈥檚 face as she looked at me that evening, it was truly lifesaving, for me and for my family.
The purpose of this article, knowing there may be others out there in a similar situation, is to share inspiration, hope and the tools that helped me get to the best place in my life.
Recovery begins
With all that had happened, I didn鈥檛 get into recovery right away. I still went to work every morning. It was there that I met my fianc茅. He was a man who displayed calm, focus and, most importantly, kindness. He was also sober. At the time, I wasn鈥檛.
We started dating, and slowly, I began to heal. Then one day, he invited me to a meeting. I was hesitant and even said I would go just to support him. Unsure, scared and anxious, I went. That one meeting cracked something open in me.
Afterward, my fianc茅 saw the pain I was carrying and gently encouraged me to take the next step: rehab.
My 30-day program
So, with his strength and support behind me, I did it. I checked into a 30-day program 鈥� a world I was not used to. No phone. No job. No distractions. Just me, facing myself and my demons, maybe for the first time ever.
As much as I hated the beginning of rehab, I grew to love the process, the people and the realization that I was not alone. During those 30 days, I started to unpack the reasons behind my addiction. I learned why alcohol had such a strong hold on me.
One of the most powerful realizations was understanding why I had spent years self-sabotaging myself, my life and my career. Recovery forced me to uncover wounds I had never even acknowledged. Once I could name them, I could begin the work of healing them. When my 30 days were up, my fianc茅 was there waiting to take me home. Rehab didn鈥檛 just change my life. It saved it.
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Where I am today
I am celebrating 5 years of being clean and sober. I鈥檓 in a healthy, supportive relationship. I鈥檝e rebuilt trust with my children and my family. I have a job that I love and a life I never imagined possible.
It all started with one step: asking for help.
Today, I鈥檓 not the same person who was thrown from that car. I鈥檓 stronger. Smarter. And I鈥檓 able to share my wisdom with others.
My message to you is simple: I am living proof that no matter how far you鈥檝e fallen, it is never too late to rise again.
If you鈥檙e struggling
Please don鈥檛 wait. There is help. There is hope. And there is an entire world of life, love and possibility on the other side of recovery.
You are not alone. You are worth it.We do recover.
If you are reading this and see yourself in my story or even a small part of it, please know this:
Your life matters.
It鈥檚 OK to ask for help. It鈥檚 OK to admit you are hurting. There is no shame in seeking healing 鈥� only courage.
If you are still in that dark place, please believe me when I say: It does not have to end there.
Maybe today is the day you take your first step toward freedom. Maybe today is the day you call someone. Maybe today is the day you walk into that meeting.
You don鈥檛 have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing.
Healing is messy. Recovery is not linear. Some days you will feel like you鈥檙e flying, and others like you鈥檙e crawling. But both are forward motion.
You are stronger than you know. You are braver than you feel. And your story isn鈥檛 over yet.
I am living proof of that. And I鈥檒l be here rooting for you.
We do recover: and so can you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tawnia Rutherford has 25 years experience as a paramedic and supervisor in the EMS field working in 911 systems, flying with Akron Children鈥檚 Hospital on the AirBear and working in a Level 1 Trauma Center. Currently, Tawnia is an operations supervisor for QuikMedic.
